


Moving On

by hheath541



Category: Castle
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2014-09-12
Packaged: 2018-02-17 04:09:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2296079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hheath541/pseuds/hheath541
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all shattered without warning, and she couldn't even blame him. All the time she'd lied to him, made him wait, kept them on the very edge of always, it was her fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving On

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbetaed, and largely unedited. I tried to fix the worst of my errors, but some always slip through.

She wishes she could say she doesn't know why she does it, but a year of therapy has made her more honest than that. When she'd shown up at his door, she'd fully intended to never look back. She loved him, and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. The fear of losing him, of never having a chance to build a life together, drove her to his door. Fear of an entirely different kind drove her out of it.

Their first time had been so gentle and tentative, like he was afraid she'd disappear. When she'd imagined it, she usually saw them clashing together. Mouths and hands bruising in anger. Desperate groping that leaves them still clothed. Hands clutching and bodies pressing tightly together in fear. Clumsiness and laughter born of joy. She usually saw tenderness as something reserved for later, after their initial needs had been sated. Instead, he was so gentle and loving she just stared at him in awe. It was perfect, and she fell asleep imaging a life full of perfection.

It all shattered without warning, and she couldn't even blame him. All the time she'd lied to him, made him wait, kept them on the very edge of always, it was her fault. She'd planted seeds of doubt and mistrust and anger. It wasn't his fault. She wanted to blame herself, but therapy had taught her better than that. It wasn't anyone's fault. All she could do was try to live her life without him, and hope someday he'd let her explain.

She goes over that night in her head several times a day, trying to figure out what she could've done to prevent it, and never comes up with an answer. They'd fallen asleep wrapped up in each other. She'd woken up barely able to breathe, already sobbing, clawing to free. The images were too real, and she didn't know where she was. All she felt were hands around her neck, and a twisted sneer filled her vision. Somehow, she wedged herself into a corner, and that where he found her, in the middle of full fledged panic attack. When he reached for her, all she saw were the hands that strangled her and threw her off a roof, and tried to get away. 

She knows she screamed at him, but has no idea what she said, and only barely remembers some of his words. She does remember his throwing discarded clothing at her. She remembers the anger in his voice. She remembers the words 'get out' screamed from across the room. She doesn't remember dressing, or walking out the door. She remembers the sound of it slamming behind her. She doesn't remember getting home, only stumbling through her door and collapsing on the floor to sob herself to sleep. 

The next few days are a blur. When Ryan shows up at her door, she ignores it and he eventually leaves. She barely eats, just enough to keep the hunger pains away, and even those are welcome after a day or two. She tries to call, to explain or beg or just to hear him, but can't find her phone. She figures it got left behind, with her bra, one of her socks, and her shirt. When she'd woken pu on her floor, she could smell him all around her. It took her several minutes to realize she was wearing his shirt, and she pulled it up to bury her nose in his scent and cried herself back to sleep. In his desperation to get her out of his house, he must've thrown the first shirt he found at her, and she's grateful for that small piece of him. She doesn't take it off for several days.

When Lanie pounds on her door, a few days later, she almost ignores it. Threats of what will happen if she does finally make her drag herself to the door long enough to unlock it, before curling back up on the couch. Whatever lecture Lanie had planned dies as soon as she sees Kate. Being wrapped into a tight hug has her sobbing again, and the words just start. Once she starts talking, she isn't able to stop, and she shares every single detail of that night, and everything she thinks she could have done differently to make him let her stay. It's dark again when she wakes up to hear Lanie on the phone telling Esposito to 'go kick writer boy's ass.' She wants to protest, but she just doesn't have the strength, and slips back into sleep.

For the next few weeks, Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan take turns checking in on her and bringing her food. Slowly, she starts to feel a little more human, and Lanie starts driving her to weekly meetings with Dr. Burke. When Esposito's suspension ends she's shocked to realize that she's late. It's several more days before she gets up the courage to take a test, and then she throws it away without looking, too afraid of either answer.

Lanie and the boys tried convincing her to talk to Gates about returning to work, even relaying a message from Gates that her resignation had never been processed, but she refused. The thought of returning to the precinct without Castle was just too hard. She knew it wouldn't be the same, and was surprised to realize she didn't regret quitting. The few times the boys had tried to bring up her case, she'd kicked them out of her apartment, and they'd quickly gotten the message. As far as she was concerned, it was over. She no longer had the strength or recklessness needed to chase it.

A month after the discarded pregnancy test, she starts looking for a new job. She's surprised when she gets an envelope from Gates containing a letter of recommendation to add to her resume and a personal letter telling her that she'll be missed and wishing her happiness in her new job. She avoids the obvious job option of private security, wanting something safer and less likely to remind her of Castle. A few weeks later, she starts her new job as a consultant for a production company. The work isn't always steady, but it pays well and it's safe. She settles into the new routine quickly.

When morning sickness never happens, she convinces herself that the missed periods are a result of stress and grief, and tries to forget it. So, when she gets a call reminding her that it's time for her next check up with her cardiologists, there's only a tiny moment of hesitation. The hesitation is greater when she's asked if there's any chance she could be pregnant, and the nurse orders a pregnancy test when she just finally nods. The next twenty minutes have her pacing as the worry and panic grow. When the nurse finally comes back, she's almost too lightheaded to hear the results, but the nod confirms it. The appointment changes, after that. She answers more questions, the nurse draws blood, and her doctor goes over a long list of possible concerns, giving her print outs of everything and informing her that she'll need a check up every month until at least a couple months after the baby is born. Her panic has him assuring her that it's just to make sure that the added stress of pregnancy and childbirth don't slow down the healing process. Before she leaves, the nurse gives her a list OBGYNs. Despite all his reassurrances that she's healthy and has nothing to worry about, her shooting makes the pregnancy high risk. 

For two days, she tries to figure out how to tell Castle. Now that it's real, she has no doubt that she will tell him, but his reaction scares her. She tries calling, texting, and emailing, but they all go unanswered. For the first time in more than three months, she asks Esposito and Ryan how he's been, only to learn that he left the city and they haven't heard from him in months. A week later, she walks into his building. When the doorman recognizes her, he seems surprised to see her and informs her that Castle has been out of town for months, and didn't say when he'll be back. In a last burst of desperation, she tries contacting him on his fansite, but isn't surprised when all she gets is an automated response telling her how to request an autograph. Not sure how to proceed, she resigns herself to waiting and hoping.

The advance copy of the newest Nikki Heat novel showing up a few weeks later gives her hope, until she opens it. It's the first one he's sent her that isn't signed, and the dedication dashes any lingering hopes she had of forgiveness. 'To my mother daughter, the most important women in my life.'

She cries herself to sleep, that night, wearing his shirt and the book clutched to her chest.


End file.
